Advice from Dad...

October 15th was the seven year anniversary of my father's death. Losing my Dad was definitely one of the big "before" and "after" markers of my life. My father was a very complicated person who had a wise and twisted view of the world. He was never one to shy away from giving advice and throughout my life offered far more than I wanted. So in memory of my father I thought I would pass a few of these little gems on to you dear reader:

On Traveling:

Always eat breakfast -- it's the hardest meal to fuck up. When in doubt eat lots of bread.

On Relationships:

If you think you want to marry someone take a really long trip with them, if you are still getting along after that, you might have a chance at marriage. (Note to reader: my father was a terrible travel companion -- I think if my mother had followed this advice I would not have been born!)

On driving on the turnpike:

Find your channel and stay in it (still not sure what this meant but I always think of it when I'm driving.)

On teachers and other authority figures:

Don't ever let anyone put any bullshit into your head -- including me -- think for yourself for God's sake!

General advice for anyone giving you a hard time:

Split a brick over his/her head (while the visual on this is quite startling, there is no recorded incident where my father ever actually did this but he advised us to on a regular basis.)

On managing money:

Always have a relationship with a bartender who will cash a check for you on the weekends. (When Dad told me this before I left for NYU I asked him why I couldn't use an ATM. He said it was always good to have a relationship with a bartender anyhow. )

On drinking:

See above on having a relationship with a bartender.

On surviving a nuclear holocaust:

Sardines will be the only food available, learn to like them now. (He stockpiled cans of sardines and said he would be happy to sell them to me in the event of a nuclear war for $300 a can - that would be the family price - he assured me others would pay more.)

On doing the right thing:

At the end of the day all you have is the courage of your convictions, stand up for what you believe in and be prepared to fight for it.

On being on your own:

There is a difference between being alone and lonely. You can be lonely in a room full of people -- don't ever confuse the two.

Best advice he gave me at five and continuing throughout my life:

You can do anything you want to do in life.

I hope you find these tips useful if not please don't split a brick over my head and if you know of a good bartender please let me know, I'm still looking for one.

Back to the Future?

I'm heading to Pittsburgh this weekend for a few author appearances and to attend my 30 year high school reunion. As the date has gotten closer I find myself thinking a lot about the past and the girl I was in high school and how she became the person I am today.

I have to admit I have never been someone who lived in the past or thought very much about it. I don't believe in regret and strive to make the most of all my experiences both good and bad. I keep many stories in my repertoire and enjoy reminiscing every now and then but for the most part I am all about the future, often at the expense of the present.

Back in high school, all I wanted was to leave Pittsburgh. This started around the time I was twelve and was my primary focus until I landed in Greenwich Village in the fall of 1979. My focus was on my future, away from my town, my family and the pain of my childhood. I was sure my life was in New York and wanted it to begin as soon as possible. Every day I spent at home felt like time served before my release into the real world.

That drive affected how I approached everything from school to extra-curricular activities to relationships. Every test, homework assignment, paper and course needed to be good, my grades had to be the best they could be. When I discovered my creative passions, I knew they would be a lifelong pursuit and I wanted to make full use of the opportunities afforded to me. I took every performance seriously, studied every facet of acting and writing I could. Even in my relationships with boys I kept things casual. Although I had deep feelings for a few incredible young men, I didn't want anything to keep me from my goal.

Yes, I had good times, formed a lifelong bond with my friend Gwyn, and enjoyed my accomplishments but still, I was living for the future.

As news about the reunion spread to my classmates, I reconnected with so many wonderful people from that time, many of whom have commented that my life turned out exactly as they had thought it would and that I "haven't changed at all."

While this is incredibly flattering (especially the comments about still looking the same) it has made me think a lot about the past. It is one thing to have goals and another to not be present in the here and now. As I was focusing on the future, I was not seeing a lot of what was good in my life. I was waiting for my life to begin in New York rather than seeing it was already blooming in Mt. Lebanon.

On Saturday I will be doing an author talk at the Mt. Lebanon Public Library, the same library I used to ride my baby blue banana seat bike to on the weekends to return books and find new, exciting stories of women living adventurous lives in faraway places. I would sit back in the stacks imagining and manifesting my future, never knowing decades later my adventures would lead me right back where I started. I worried then, as I still do, that I will not get to where I want to go, that my dreams are not attainable. Again, it is hard to see what is when you are focused on what could be.

A few weeks ago I got an email from a young woman who had learned about my appearance at the library and went to my website. "Tell me more about yourself," she said. I responded and asked her about herself. She said she loved the library and was a dedicated reader and an aspiring writer, she told me about her plans, her goals and her dreams. She said she couldn't wait to get there.

I know she wouldn't have understood if I had said, "take you're time," anymore than I would have so many years ago. The desire to succeed, to make a name for yourself is a powerful one but as I am learning it should never come at the expense of standing still and taking in what is good now.

After my talk, I'll take a walk back into the stacks and think of that girl I was then and let her know she did okay...hell she did better than okay. I will take a moment to remind myself, as I do every day, that the journey is better than the destination and throughout the weekend I will do what I couldn't do back then, I will appreciate being home.

Male Bonding...

For me, the key to doing research for a book is to make sure you are writing about something of great interest. Nothing could be more interesting to me than the male point of view. In my second novel, I am writing a story about a love affair between a man and woman told from both points of view and boy is it interesting writing through the eyes of a man.

Although I am still in the drafting stage, I have already concluded that when it comes to all the relationships I've had with men...well...I think I've gotten it completely wrong. I just don't think men work the way I thought they did. That's the bad news...the good news...well they aren't as complicated as I thought. Of course the irony is that most of the men I have known have been trying to tell me this for decades, I ignored this, assuming the comment was just another layer of...complication.

Writing from the first person point of view of a man has literally made me see things through his eyes and what I've seen is a revelation. Most of the time men and women just aren't speaking the same language. Women interpret, men act. While that may be simplistic, I think it is pretty true. The first time this hit me was in writing a scene where the man buys the woman a pair of earrings. He has observed her admire them and put them back and figures it would be nice to get them for her so he does. Writing as the man, this seemed simple.

Writing as the woman though, she opens the box and sees the earrings she had liked and tries to understand the meaning of the gesture. Her instinct was to interpret, how did he know I liked them? Why did he do this? How should I respond? If she asks him he will probably say, "I thought you would like them." She will undoubtedly be disappointed by that response and assume there was more to it than that.

I'm not saying she is wrong but I'm also not saying he is wrong either. What is so cool about writing the same story from both perspectives is that neither is wrong or right, they just are -- the intersection of these points of view is where all the drama, passion, conflict and connection comes from.

Although there are many things I admire about the way men approach things there are two (so far) that resonate with me. The first is that men don't hold onto emotion. Yes, this can be annoying sometimes but is also wonderful. I can count all the times I've had an argument with a man and a few hours later have asked him if he was still mad and the response, "about what?" Men tend to let things go, you fight, you have makeup sex and it's over. Women tend to ruminate on it, analyze and hold onto comments. Sometimes that's not so good.

The second thing is that, for the most part, men don't analyze our looks they way we think they do (or worse the way we analyze ourselves or each other.) While they always take heat for answering "yes" to the question "do these jeans make me look fat." We give them grief because what we hear is, "you are fat therefore I am not attracted to you nor is anyone else on the planet."

That is not what he means, he means, well, you look fat in those jeans but that is all. Men don't scan every inch of your body for flaws, let's face it, they don't really have time to do that, they like to get down to business (remember they like to 'act?')

"Truth be told," a male friend of mine said to me once during a conversation we had about women's breasts, "it's all good." Before I started writing from a male point of view I wouldn't have believed him, now I see what he means. It's kind of like cookies, some you like more than others but hey it's still a COOKIE!

I am grateful to the men in my life for helping me with this male bonding experience. Glad I have men who will happily answer questions for me about their bodies, their impressions and their feelings. The more I write as a man the more I understand. I am hoping my research will payoff in the book and in life as well. I'm hoping it is good prep for when Mr. Right finally shows up.