The Stragedy of it All

Among the many things I used to do to pass the time in long, frustrating planning meetings back when I worked in IT was to come up with new words to describe the awfulness of whatever was happening at the moment. While most of the words are lost to me now the one that has stayed with me was "stragedy." I accidentally said that in the midst of discovering a major project was collapsing under the weight of bad planning and poor decision making. I said, "so this is our stragedy?" What I meant to say was, "strategy" but mashed it with tragedy and made myself a fancy new word to describe exactly what happens when a lack of strategy meets reality.

At the risk of stating the obvious, we got ourselves a whole big stragedy going on right now in this country.

Shortly after 9/11 when I had heard one too many conspiracy theories about what happened, I realized I had been working in the Corporate world too long as I no longer believed that anyone was smart enough to plan a conspiracy let alone execute one.

I guess you could say I had an "aha" moment when it finally occurred to me that the people running the government, post office, hospital, Oil Companies, etc. were not a different grade of human than the ones I had been working with all these years.

Oh sure maybe you get more of the best and the brightest at the White House level but that is just a matter of degree. There are just as many people at the White House who don't respond to email, just like in your office.

Once you realize this, everything you hear on the news and know about the world changes. It's kind of like finding out Santa Claus doesn't exist, it's hard to imagine how you believed in him in the first place.

So although I believe there are people who conspire to do evil (usually in the name of God) I am not surprised that BP did not have an adequate contingency plan and that they still don't. I am not surprised that Congress doesn't seem to know what to do about it. And the New York State Government not passing a budget? Well who can blame them for thinking it's all about their agendas and not about their constituents. How is that any different from the folks you work with who don't care that they are leaving you high and dry when they punch out at 5:30pm and leave you to finish the project?

The stragedy of it all is that we want to believe there is someone, a leader, a guru, a teacher, a boss, a company, an institution that will show us the way and in doing so, make our lives and the world safe. We assume everyone who makes more money or has more power is smarter than we are and we definitely don't think our government is run at all like our places business, but guess what, it is.

I guess it's easier for us to feel outrage at BP for not having a better handle on the situation, for showing an astonishingly low amount of concern for safety over money, for not fixing the problem sooner (if they can ever fix it at all.) The alternative is to feel complicit. Our hunger for oil got us where we are and the people we sanctioned to drill for it are not going to get us out of it.

Everyone is talking about who is going to pay, who will be responsible and no one, has really stood up and said, I am, We are.

In my time working in Technology I had many successes and failures but what I was most proud of was taking over the management of a project that had gone horribly wrong and was causing a tremendous amount of pain for everyone in the company. We had a huge technical issue we were prepetuating without understanding how or why. On a team of eight support people, I had five quit in one day. I had chest pains and a lot of moments in the ladies room where I wondered why I wasn't drafting my own resignation, but I didn't.

The problem was beyond the scope of my technical abilities, or so I thought, until I met with the engineers who were stymied. Suddenly the high paid experts were not so expert anymore.

The solution took the combined efforts of all the IT people on our team, it took collaboration, respect, an openness to new ideas and most of all it took a lot of guts to suggest a solution and be wrong. I was wrong a lot, but I was determined to get to the bottom of the problem, I did not want the situation to defeat me.

We all have those moments in our lives when our best laid plans or intentions go terribly wrong...sometimes we run or point the finger or shut down but sometimes we rise to the occasion and show ourselves and the world our best. We say, enough. The buck stops here. It stops with me. You don't need a degree, a fancy job or permission to do that. You just need balls.

Giveaway Fever!

Who knew that giving away 25 Free copies of The Last Bridge would result in so many great stories from readers. Thanks to all of you who participated -- the stories of how you gave the books away were great!

And the winner is...

Laurie Morris was the lucky winner of the $100 Target Gift Card. She gave her free copy to her daughter as part of a beach bag of goodies for her trip to Florida to prep for her wedding. Congrats to Laurie and her daughter!

The lucky recipients

Based on your feedback, when presented with the chance to give a book away most of you will give it to a relative (8 of you did that) -- and if it's a relative chances are it will be a daughter (3.) The next most popular choices were friends (6), Co-workers (2), Book Club friends (2), Neighbors (2), Student (1) and my personal favorite a Stranger (1)

Reasons You Gave

The reasons you gave the book to your recipient were the best part of the giveaway. A number of you chose to give the book to someone who was struggling with an illness, or taking care of someone who was ill. In those instances you all cited the importance of reading to take your mind away from your troubles. (So True!)

A few of you also chose to give your books to daughters, sisters-in-law, nieces and even a few sons. How great it is to share books with another generation - one of the great joys of my own life is swapping books with my Mom, Sister and Brother.

Aside from working together a few of you enjoy sharing and discussing books with your co-workers. You gave your books to those colleagues.

One of the great categories of friendship is a "book friend" someone you swap and share books with -- a few of them were lucky recipients.

Book Groups also got their hands on a few of the giveaways as well.

My favorite giveaway was from a reader who was traveling regularly to a hospital to visit a sick relative - she left the copy in the family waiting area with a note to please take it, read it and share it!

Amazing adventures...

The most amazing part of the giveaway was hearing of all the places The Last Bridge has and will travel. It went on a cross country journey from Arizona to DC (with lots of stops along the way!) and made it on a European jaunt (Sweden, Denmark, The Netherlands) and was sent to over 20 States and 40+ Cities. Check out the Google map I made of all the stops you told me about.

The real winner is...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the wonderful notes I got sharing your feelings about the book and your enthusiasm for getting the word out about The Last Bridge. I appreciate the time you have taken to let me become of part of your world and for your honesty and kindness.

I am the true winner of this giveaway!

The Perfect Marriage

Yesterday Al and Tipper Gore announced they would be separating after forty years of marriage. The reaction from the media has been one of sadness and disappointment. They had, by all accounts, a perfect marriage, if they couldn't make it who could?

The response to the news of the Gores splitting reflects a deeply held belief in our culture that we are meant to go through the world coupled to one person and any other combination is failure. Even now when statistics are showing young people holding off on marriage into their thirties and women deciding to have children later in life, we cling to the notion that the only life worth having is paired with someone else.

It is common knowledge that back when the institution of marriage was formalized, people didn't live well past forty. A marriage in your teens would pair you with someone for a little over twenty years. As our life spans expanded our concept of marriage did not.

There are happy marriages and unions that last for decades. The couples I have known that have that are grateful and serious about the sum of their parts being greater than the individual. I am in awe of those partnerships and enriched by their commitment.

I am not of the mind that those are the only successful unions and maybe it is because I have never been married or I am the product of my parents passionate but turbulent marriage, I think any kind of love shared between two people that lifts the spirit, produces children and a commitment to parenting, invests in the future or builds a home is equally worthy. When people realize they cannot go the whole journey paired as they had hoped, it is not a failure, rather it is a choice and a shift of understanding.

There are few people any of us could imagine being paired with for over forty years and while it is always sad to see something end, it is also a moment to reflect on all that was, on what their partnership built and created and what, hopefully, their continued love and support of each other will do for them and their families. The logistics of a relationship can end but the connection and love shared does not have to.

It is heartbreaking to reflect on the ending of many of my own love relationships. What started as something joyous often ended badly with bitter feelings and anger. A person I loved deeply is not even part of my life anymore. And, sadly, there are far too many children caught in the middle of these kinds of toxic endings.

People do bad things to each other, and the most awful things are often in the name of love. Ending a marriage, especially when there are young children involved, must be one of the most difficult things to endure, even harder though is to try to find a way to shift your spousal relationship to a parenting partnership. To demonstrate love and respect for each other in spite of the hurt feelings. It isn't always easy or possible but it is ideal. I know a few couples who have done this and admire them as much as the ones who have stayed together.

These were the thoughts I had when writing my second novel. I was curious about the nature of love between two people and the often limited ways we think that love can be expressed. There are as many ways to express and experience love as there are people. We need to release ourselves from the notion that there is one way and try to define all the ways love can enrich our lives. The love and pride between two parents is a wondrous thing, the support of friends enhances our lives, and even sexual relationships that are respectful and fun can be just that. Why should we expect all of those things to come in the package of one person and never change? It is a tall order for any of us to fulfill.

So to Tipper and Al I say, well done and safe travels on your new journeys. The way they appear to be handling their separation is for me, another way of having a perfect marriage.